The other day, I was enjoying watching my favorite Major League Baseball team play a baseball game. My team was enjoying a large lead, when suddenly the lead started dwindling. Eventually, the reliever in the game gave up the tying runs, and my duty was clear: I had to slide into his DMs, and send him racism.
Why was I chosen for this duty? Alas, I do not know. All I can tell you is that I felt a calling one day, a duty to strive for a higher purpose. Some who experience this feeling join the priesthood, or start a non-profit, because they have an unstoppable internal urge to make the world a better place. I express a similar impulse by inserting the letter X into derogatory terms for members of other races so that they don't get caught by spam filters.
Do I think of myself as a role model? Gosh, I don’t know. That’s such a loaded term. I’m just going out there and giving it 110%, by which I mean I’m taking a normal amount of racial slurs and then adding another 10%, because I take pride in my work.
Some may wonder if my strategy is effective. To you I say simply, the Giants are in first place and no one saw it coming. We all have our parts to play.
Now, I know what you’re thinking. You want to know how you can be just like me. You’ve seen everything I contribute to society and you want to follow my sterling example. And while I can’t turn you into a carbon copy of me — natural talent does count for something in my field — I can give you a few tips if you want to start down my path.
First, you have to watch every game. If you’re going to really commit to this lifestyle, you have to put in the time to do it right. Preparation is key here. Remember, a badly timed invective doesn’t do anyone any good!
Second, make sure that you have a variety of insults ready to go. You can’t just send everyone the same abuse all the time if you want to be great. You have to mix it up. If you think you’re going to have trouble coming up with something creative when the pressure is on, then a handy trick you can try is to come up with as many as you can right now, and then just store them in the Notes app on your phone. That way, you can just find the most relevant affront in your list and copy-and-paste. You save time and still deliver top quality work!
Third, if someone gets mad at you, try to remember that art is subjective and not everything is for everyone. The whole world doesn’t have to like everything you do. It’s okay.
Fourth, remember to take some time for you. You’re working hard and you deserve it.
Fifth, and finally, you have to believe in yourself. You’ll hear comments like, “Oh my God, how can you be so racist?” or “Your racism is disgusting” or “You’re a repulsive person and you should be ashamed of yourself” or “Die in a fire" or “What is wrong with you?” You can’t let these haters get to you. You’re making the world a better place, no matter what anyone says. You are helping your favorite baseball team by doing this. If they do reach the promised land and win a World Series, then you’ll have earned a ring of your own, even if the team never recognizes it.
But you’ll know. You’ll know that everything you did was worth it. You’ll know that all your racist slander made the team better, inspired them to do their best. You’ll know that your deliberately offensive comments, which are a reflection of you as a person, were the key to the team’s entire run. You’ll know that your life certainly isn’t a pathetic waste, that you’re not a small person trying to drag others down to your level. You’ll know that your slanders and taunts and are just who you are and how you want to present yourself to the world.
And you’ll be so confident in all of this that you won’t even take the glory for writing it, instead magnanimously using an anonymous account. You know, like a hero.
You fucking piece of shit.