If there’s one thing that sports fans are wholly unable to do on their own, it’s decide who to root for in a series between two teams. How is one supposed to choose? By what criteria? Is the common sports fan supposed to consider options and then make a decision without the help of someone telling them what to think?
Not today. Not while I’m around. If you want to outsource your decisions, then I’m here to help. Let’s get to it:
Rays/Guardians
Why root for the Rays:
You like any playoff team from the AL East that isn’t the Yankees. You enjoy that this team is the wave of the future. You watch them trade their best players every year, cut payroll to rock bottom rates, and still win, and marvel at it. You love front office efficiency. You think GMs and PBOs are the real stars of a baseball team. You truly, honestly, genuinely love that their stadium is an absolute shithole.
Why root for the Guardians:
You think they should be rewarded for finally signing one of their young stars long-term instead of trading him. You like Terry Francona and want to see him win another World Series. You appreciate that they finally changed their racist name and logo, and sure it took too long on both counts, but they finally did the right thing, and that’s worth a lot. You secretly find hope in the fact that they won their division without getting any offensive contribution from the catcher position.
Verdict: Guardians
Mariners/Blue Jays
Why root for the Mariners:
You like any playoff team from the AL West that isn’t the Astros. You know that Mariners fans have suffered for long enough and that they deserve this win. You think Julio Rodriguez is one of the most exciting players in baseball and you want to see as much of him as possible. You own a Mariners hat, which you bought to support a player you liked who was on the team for several weeks in 2019. You remember how cool Ichiro was when he played and still associate the Mariners with that type of coolness. You still have a “#6 org” joke in your Twitter drafts that you want to use.
Why root for the Blue Jays:
You like any playoff team from the AL East that isn’t the Yankees. You have threatened to move to Canada multiple times during your life, and feel like supporting their baseball team is a good first step. You still believe in #forevergiant Kevin Gausman. You want them going all the way so that fellow #forevergiants Sergio Romo, Shaun Anderson, and Matt Gage (really a #foreverrivercat, but that works too) get rings. You’ve always thought that the CN Tower was cool.
Verdict: Mariners
Padres/Mets
Why root for the Padres:
You think that teams that try to win should be rewarded. You just really like Juan Soto. You know that the Padres’ year has to be coming up at some point, so it might as well be now, when the Giants aren’t in the playoffs. You appreciate that they brought back the retro brown and yellow uniforms. You apparently aren’t annoyed by their mere existence? It takes all kinds, but okay. You know that the Mets are half Dodgers, so really any win they get is like half a win for the Dodgers. You think that it would be great if the Padres embarrassed the Dodgers in the second round.
Why root for the Mets:
You know that the Dodgers will stomp all over the Padres in the second round. Like, you know it for sure, 100%, no doubt about it whatsoever, the sun is more likely to rise in the west tomorrow than the Padres are to beat the Dodgers in a playoff series. You want Darin Ruf to get a ring. You want Josh Hader and Wil Myers to not get a ring. You know that the Mets are half Giants, so really any win they get is like half a win for the Giants. You just…you just think that the Mets should have something nice at the end of their 101-win season.
Verdict: Mets
Phillies/Cardinals
Why root for the Phillies:
You enjoy rooting for teams that are cursed, but not teams that have famous curses. You think it would be funny if Joe Girardi, who the Phillies fired in June, feels very bad about himself. You like dingers. You emphatically don’t like defense. You have a soft spot for Zack Wheeler, solely because he used to be a Giants prospect. You think the name “Seranthony Dominguez” is fun.
Why root for the Cardinals:
You are a soulless, evil thing. You have no concept of morality. You eschew all laws of gods and men. You think Vlad Jr should get a haircut. The only Assassin’s Creed game you liked was the one starring the Templar. You own a Blue Lives Matter flag, shirt, hoodie, bumper sticker, and underwear. Your spirit is cursed to wander the earth after your death, eternally searching for a peace you shall never know. You think Albert Pujols’s final season was neat.
Verdict: Phillies
Well, there you have it. I have generously spared you from the ignominious fate of having to make your own minor decisions that would have no effect on the world. So as a Guardians, Mariners, Mets, and Phillies fan, be sure to evangelize your new heartfelt opinions. And remember, now that you’re a fan, every time your teams fail it’s a reflection of a personal failure of yours. Have fun watching the games!
This is a great primer, and I always appreciate being reminded of my personal failures. However, I am unsure what I will do in the next round of the playoffs. Suppose the Phillies advance and play the Braves. How will me as a Giants/baseball fan know whom to root for then? Will there be follow-up columns for every playoff round? Or at some point, will you get board with the material and just rank the remaining teams in terms of rooting interests?