The Giants finished May with an 18-10 record, upping their record on the year to 34-20. One could argue that this was because the starting pitching was phenomenal and it carried the team, but I looked up one stat to confirm that was wrong and that’s wrong. The offense had a great month, coming in fifth in the majors in fWAR and leading the majors in home runs (coming into yesterday’s game, which obviously went well in home runs and overall value for the Giants).
So why was the team so good? The answer is obvious: Mustache May. In the early part of the month, Austin Slater and Mike Yastrzemski agreed they would grow out mustaches all month, and shave them for June. Along the way, they roped in a few other teammates, raising the vital question: Who had the best mustache?
Here at It Would Be Nice If The Giants Were Good (where we promise to change our name to It Is Nice That The Giants Are Good if they are still in playoff position 10 games after the All-Star break), we take these questions seriously and answer them the only way we know how: a power ranking.
5. Mauricio Dubon
Look, he tried.
There is technically the beginning of a mustache there, and you don’t have to squint that hard to see it. But clearly, this is not in the same league as his teammates’ efforts, and Dubon knew it, abandoning his efforts in short order.
He did end up using a performance-enhancing mustache, but as we’re not concerned with the sanctity of the ‘stache game, only the end result, that doesn’t bother us too much.
4. Evan Longoria
Longo was never mentioned as one of the ringleaders of the Mustache May movement, and it took him a little longer to join in than some of his teammates. But he did eventually give it a shot, and what he came up with was a solid mustache. It’s understated, sure, but also as classy as facial hair can get while saying that he brews his own moonshine in a still out back and if you try to steal some he’s got a 12-gauge with your name on it.
3. Austin Slater
It’s a little unfair to judge Slater just on this picture, considering that it was taken near the beginning of the Mustache May phenomenon. However, it is the clearest image we have of his mustache, which is fully grown out at this point, and as such it is fair game. It is elevated above Longoria’s by how well it conveys a sense of identity: the identity of a cop. Austin Slater looks like a policeman here, but one who’s too green to be an asshole yet. He has not yet seen the shit that will jade him and color his outlook on life. For now, he is just a person who thinks he can make the world a better place through good, honest police work.
Soon, he will learn. Nothing ever gets better. There is merely a system that will break men down and reduce them to their worst selves. For now, though, he has hope, and potential, and a mustache that really needs to be trimmed a little bit because it’s getting too long and that’s not hygenic.
2. Mike Yastrzemski
I dunno, I couldn’t pick just one picture.
Look, this isn’t, like, an attractive mustache that makes Yaz’s face look better. No one has ever looked at any other human being and said, “That soul patch really ties your face together.” But in terms of commitment to the bit, it is fantastic. Yastrzemski has a thick, solid ‘stache, and added a little underlip work to complete the look. This is what you would expect from him; not only was he one of the co-founders of Mustache May (along with Slater), but Mike Yastrzemski also demands excellence from himself in everything he does. This includes facial hair.
What Yastrzemski gave us was a strong, unique look. When we see it in highlight packages in the future, it will transport us back to May 2021. Isn’t this a wonderful thing for a mustache to be able to do?
1. LaMonte Wade Jr
If Wade were to keep the mustache, who could argue? If, when pressed, he said, “No, I didn’t do it for Mustache May. I did it for Mustache Life,” then whomst among us would tell him he was in the wrong? No one.
Wade’s is a glorious ‘stache, an exemplar of everything the form has to offer. Perhaps he is naturally gifted in growing facial hair or perhaps he struck a deal with whichever god bestows follicular miracles. Either way, it is a blessing to see his facial hair.
This is an Apollo Creed mustache, and there is no greater compliment than that. No one comes close. No one comes close to coming close. We are all lucky to witness LaMonte Wade Jr’s mustache.