The Giants played the Cardinals over the weekend, and it was impossible to miss Nolan Arenado and Paul Goldschmidt. They were in the middle of everything, with Goldschmidt seemingly homering every time he came up, Arenado hitting balls hard in innings when he didn’t even bat, and both of them combining to catch every hard-hit ball in a 600-mile radius.
I don’t like them.
This has nothing to do with their character, which I have no reason to believe is lacking. This has to do with the quality of their work when facing the Giants, which is far, far too high.
Misters Arenado and Goldschmidt, it is time to take things down several notches.
Both Arenado and Goldschmidt have been specifically targeting the Giants since they were in the NL West. First, Paul Goldschmidt singlehandedly ended Tim Lincecum’s career, which I think we can all agree was not cool. Then Nolan Arenado personally made Coors Field seem like a regular baseball park in which you would find regular baseball — gotta watch the Rockies game just to see the incredible play Arenado made! — instead of the unholy nightmare that it actually is.
Now they’re both Cardinals, because their old teams decided that trying was stupid and the best way to run a baseball team is to either get rid of your best player to save some money (Diamondbacks) or to half-ass your roster construction so badly that you alienate your best player (Rockies).
For the record, these were fine decisions and I think the Dodgers should follow suit. Not too late, guys! Make sure your bank account balance stays high! Always follow that WWFMD bumper sticker: What Would Frank McCourt Do?
I am glad that Arenado and Goldschmidt, or as they are commonly known, Areschmidt, are out of the division. I would have preferred that they go further out of the division, to Toronto, for example, or maybe Mumbai. They have cricket there, which is basically the same thing as baseball, but longer and Britisher. I don’t see a problem.
However, Areschmidt stayed in the National League and ended up as St. Louis Cardinals. This means that they’ll see the Giants for two series per year, plus they’ll face the Giants in any NLCSes they happen to make. Technically, the Cardinals might miss the playoffs in years that the Giants make it, but I think we can all agree this is massively implausible and not worth considering.
It could not be more appropriate that Areschmidt both became Cardinals. Nolan Arenado and Paul Goldschmidt are such Cardinals that it’s incredible they weren’t in St. Louis for their entire careers. Check out just how Cardinals-y they are:
They’re really goddamn annoying
I don’t like them
See? It’s a natural fit.
Sure, you could get all wrapped up in that “plays the game the right way” stuff, or how they’re natural cultural fits for the St. Louis clubhouse and fanbase, or other euphemisms for white baseball players, but however you slice it, it feels right that Areschmidt are Cardinals. The world has snapped into an order that no one even realized was the natural state of things. They never should have been in the NL West. They should have been playing in the shadow of the Gateway Arch, our country’s stupidest National Park, all along.
Am I bitter that the Cardinals won 4 out of 6 against the Giants this year, making them look very bad along the way? Oh, yes, absolutely. But that doesn’t mean I’m wrong here. The city of St. Louis has amassed a stock of weapons-grade Giants killers. I half expect them to pull Scott Hairston and Kevin Brown out of retirement just to complete the set.
Areschmidt have been responsible for too many bad baseball experiences in my life for me to ever forgive them. They have dedicated their lives to personally attacking the Giants, and this is cruelty to me personally. My life would be much better if they had spent their lives building houses for orphans, and the orphans’ lives would also be better, so if you think about it they are extremely selfish people who deserve to be scorned.
In conclusion, I don’t like them, Sam-I-Hit. I don’t like Nolan Arenado and Paul Goldschmidt.