I'm doing it. I'm talking about Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce
But only -- ONLY -- because I want my analytics page to spit out a higher number because that gives me dopamine
I’m just going to say what we’re all thinking: The Taylor Swift-Travis Kelce relationship is clearly a psyop, coordinated by the biggest power brokers in music, sports, and politics, in which Taylor gets free publicity from the biggest sport in the country, Kelce and the NFL tap into a marketing demographic which has been historically underrepresented in football allowing everyone to make more money, and after the pre-determined Chiefs Super Bowl win, Swift and Kelce will announce their co-endorsement of President Biden, tipping the election in his favor.
We were all thinking that, right?
Oh. Oh good. Otherwise I’d have looked crazy!
Now, if you are not particularly online (smart!) or don’t know That One Guy At Work who you overhear telling people all the latest right-wing conspiracy theories (lucky!), you might be taken aback by this theory, which I can assure you will only make more sense as you contemplate it, and certainly not remain exactly as stupid as it seems on first blush. But yes, this is A Thing among A Certain Group Of People, if you catch my drift:
Yes, when you consider a famous, attractive woman who looks like a cheerleader, the first thing you should think is “There’s no way she would want to date a football player.” When you consider a two-time Super Bowl winning tight end, who may well be headed for the Hall of Fame, you should think, “Obviously, he would not be attracted to a pretty blonde superstar.” The only explanation possible for any of this is an enormous conspiracy.
Now, far be it from me to quibble with failed presidential candidate Vivek Ramaswany, but his proposed scenario, while dangerously plausible, is wrong about one thing. It’s bad story structure for the NFL’s goals. If Taylor Swift’s boyfriend’s team wins the Super Bowl again, then she has already reached the peak. If you are the NFL, you want to delay that, in order to give her fans more of a reason to stick around next season. You have her get oh so close to the ultimate prize, and then take it away, to make next season even more intense. It’s called Lombardi edging, and it’s the hottest new trend in football.
So really, there are only two scenarios in which the conspiracy could be confirmed: if the Chiefs win, because then Taylor Swift gets what she wants and her fans are happy, or if the 49ers win, because then Taylor Swift doesn’t get what she wants and her fans are unhappy.
Similarly, if she and Kelce stay together, then it means that the conspiracy is working and therefore they will try to keep it going at all costs, and if they split up, then that means that everyone is cutting bait on the conspiracy before proof leaks out to the general public.
If Taylor is in the family press box cheering wildly, then it means she’s going over the top to play her role, which is a sign that this is all fake. If she’s sitting quietly, then that means that we’re getting her in a rare unguarded moment, and she doesn’t care at all, and she’s only there because someone told her she had to be, and that it’s fake.
If the TV broadcast shows her a lot, it’s because they’re pushing the narrative like Roger Goodell is ordering them to do, and if they barely show her (only 44 seconds of airtime during the AFC Championship Game) it’s because they know she’s already a story and it makes their part in the conspiracy look less suspicious if ancillary media pushes the Taylor story instead of the TV broadcast.
Here’s how we know that this Taylor Swift-Joe Biden conspiracy is real despite the total lack of any actual evidence: Literally anything that could happen in the Super Bowl will confirm it. If Kelce has a big game, that obviously confirms it. If the Niners bottle him up, then you have the Distraction narrative around Taylor. If Patrick Mahomes leads a game-winning fourth quarter touchdown drive, then Taylor is elated, and if Brock Purdy does it, then she, the main character of reality, is horribly disappointed, and either way, the people who are there only for her will be more interested.
When you view the world through the lens of exactly one relationship, it is easy to make the world revolve around it. It could be the notion that Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce are not actually in love and are simply using their fame for their personal benefit, but it could also be political. It could be that people whose brains are poisoned by online political discourse start seeing it everywhere, whether or not there’s any objective reason it would be there. It could be that a good-looking, famous couple is nothing more than a good-looking, famous couple.
OR could even the Biden re-election campaign be a front for something bigger? Could Swift and Kelce be at the root of something that shakes all of American society to its core? Could they be in league with the monsters who have done more harm to our lives than anyone else in the world?
So here’s how the Taylor Swift-Travis Kelce thing is really about distracting us from the San Francisco Giants being unable to sign premium free agents…
We're through the looking glass.
BWAHAAHAW!!!