The All-Time Giants Presidents Team
Making this took way too much work for what is sure to be too little payoff. Just like running for President!
Yesterday was Presidents Day here in America, the only good country that has ever existed or will ever exist, and it got me thinking about the Presidents. Specifically, it got me thinking about how to use the Presidents to create content because, and I cannot stress this enough, with the lockout happening I am absolutely starved for content that isn’t “Hey, the owners sure suck, don’t they?”
So I decided to create the All-Time Giants Presidents Team. I did something similar a few times at MCC, so I figured why not resurrect an old bit for content?
Folks, I love content.
As always, if I missed someone obvious, then either it’s because I had already used that name or because I knew you personally wanted that player included and I decided to spite you. I’m not nice!
Brian Johnson hit the Giants’ best homer of the 1990s.
This means I won’t associate him with Andrew Johnson (boo!), and instead go with Lyndon Johnson. Lyndon Johnson’s presidency was a mixed bag, in that he both pushed through landmark civil rights legislation through sheer willpower and political prowess (yay!) and also massively increased troop deployments in Vietnam, leading in large part to the military quagmire that would define a generation (whoops!). Still, the good: real good. Let’s focus on that.
Gary Carter was a Hall of Famer who was on the Giants for one year towards the end of his career. It is neat that Gary Carter was a Giant, I think. I will talk about Jimmy Carter very soon now.
1B: Joe Carter
Charlie Hayes was a Giants draft pick back in 1983, and he worked his way up through the minors to make the team when Matt Williams got optioned to AAA, but was soon traded to the Phillies in a package for Steve Bedrosian. Hayes had a nice career, notably catching the final out of the 1996 World Series, before making his way back to San Francisco in 1998 where he had one nice year with the bat as a Bill Mueller/JT Snow backup and then a very poor 1999 with the bat.
Rutherford Hayes won the 1876 election, kind of, after a deadlock that went to the House of Representatives. He secured the necessary votes by promising to end Reconstruction in the South, and did so once he took office. Not great, Rutherford! Not great.
Joe Carter is best known for his dramatic home run that ended Game 6 of the 1993 World Series, and also the 1993 World Series in general. If you’re having trouble recalling it, it’s also a plot point in the Adam Sandler movie Big Daddy. He came to the Giants in a midseason trade in 1998 and was phenomenal, hitting .295/.322/.562 over 115 plate appearances. In his career, Carter was an outfielder, but as a Giant, he played more innings at first base than in either right or left field, so I’m putting him here.
Jimmy Carter had to sell his peanut farm before becoming President because those were the laws at the time. They’re still the laws, but we just don’t enforce them anymore. Oh well!
2B: Grant Green
Grant Green was a journeyman middle infielder who was on the Giants six years ago, and I will talk about Ulysses Grant later, so don’t you worry about that.
John Monroe was not remotely notable as a baseball player, but on the other hand, he’s the only Monroe in Giants history, so you can see my hands are tied here.
James Monroe is most well known for the Monroe Doctrine, in which he told Europe to stay out of the Western Hemisphere because it was America’s sphere of influence, and which was totally irrelevant to them, and for presiding over the country during the Era of Good Feelings. I love good feelings! They’re the best kind!
3B: Art Devlin
Arthur Devlin was the primary third baseman for the Giants from 1904 to 1911. He generally hit well and was lauded as a fielder, and also one time he went into the stands to fight a fan who had yelled something at him, which, don’t do that buddy. Just don’t do that.
Chester Arthur became President after James Garfield was assassinated. He had become the Vice President with the backing of the New York City bosses, so it was a pleasant surprise when he signed the Pendleton Act, reforming civil service and limiting the spoils system. But don’t think too highly of him: he also signed the Chinese Exclusion Act, one of the worst and most racist pieces of legislation in American history. You win some, you lose some!
Elmer Cleveland, who played for the Giants briefly in 1888, had a hell of a name, and I think we should all take a moment to appreciate that.
Look, if you think that I have a single Grover Cleveland fact that doesn’t involve the word “non-consecutive,” well, I appreciate your faith in me.
SS: Travis Jackson
Travis Jackson, a good defensive shortstop in the ‘20s and ‘30s, was a perfectly fine hitter and also is a case study in how having the right friends can make you a Hall of Famer. He was well liked, on the Veterans Committee for the Hall of Fame into his 70s, and got voted into the Hall partially because of that and partially to give those great Giants teams of the ‘20s and ‘30s a little more representation.
Andrew Jackson was a garbage person who was responsible for the Trail of Tears, which has been referred to as a genocide. Happy Presidents Day!
LF: Donell Nixon
Donell Nixon, the brother of Otis Nixon, came to the Giants as a player to be named later from the Mariners for a pitcher named Rod Scurry. He did a nice job with the bat in 1988 in limited time, then got a little more time in 1989 and did not do so nice of a job with the bat. Then he was on the Orioles.
Richard Nixon lost the 1962 California gubernatorial election to Pat Brown and told the press, “You won’t have Nixon to kick around anymore.” Nailed it!
“Who is Ham Wade and what is he doing here?” It’s the question on America’s mind. The answer is, his name is Ham Wade and sure, his career was exactly 1 plate appearance more impressive than Moonlight Graham’s, but, and hear me out on this:
HAM WADE!
Abraham Lincoln proved that no one, for any reason, should ever go to the theater.
CF: Darren Ford
Darren Ford was very fast and scored a run against the Rockies in an important game in 2010. This represents the vast majority of his contributions to the Giants as a major leaguer, but, again, he was very fast. That was fun.
Gerald Ford became President when Richard Nixon resigned, and at one point he said he’d veto any federal bailout of New York City, which at the time was in dire financial straits, leading to the New York Daily News headline: FORD TO CITY: DROP DEAD. Good times in journalism!
RF: Max Venable
Max Venable, whose full name was William McKinley Venable, was a light-hitting outfielder for five years, eventually getting himself traded in a package for Al Oliver before the 1984 season. He is best remembered now for being the father of Will Venable, who Kruk and Kuip invariably described during his playing days as “Max and Molly’s kid.” Charming!
William McKinley proved that no one, for any reason, should ever go to Buffalo.
SP: Dummy Taylor
Dummy Taylor isn’t here for Zachary Taylor. He’s here for Trump. BOOM ROASTED.
(That’s unfair to Taylor, who got that nickname because it was the first decade of the 20th century and he was deaf. Deaf-and-dumb players were often called “Dummy” as a nickname at the time, but Taylor was an excellent pitcher and the team learned sign language because of him)
Donald Trump was and is a dummy.
You know about Madison Bumgarner! He won three World Series last decade. It was fun.
James Madison wrote the Bill of Rights and was in the White House during the War of 1812, when the British burned it down. I mean, he wasn’t there when they burned it down. Then he wouldn’t have been President anymore, what with being burned to death and everything. I think it was a good decision on his part to leave his house before he died in it. Just one man’s opinion!
Randy Johnson was one of the greatest pitchers of all time. Then he got old and came to the Giants for a year, where he won his 300th game. That was neat!
President Andrew Johnson was a sack of shit.
Billy Pierce was a longtime member of the Chicago White Sox who came to the Giants at age 35 for the 1962 season, went 16-6 with a 3.49 ERA, threw a shutout against the Dodgers in Game 1 of the 3-game playoff, got the save two days later in the deciding Game 3 against the Dodgers, and started twice in the World Series, going 1-1 with a 2.40 ERA. He spent two more years with the Giants, 1963 as a bad starting pitcher and 1964 as an excellent reliever before retiring from baseball and eventually getting a job at the Continental Envelope Company.
Franklin Pierce is most well known for being the only President from New Hampshire. He was not good at the job.
Mark Grant, meanwhile, was key to the trade that brought Dave Dravecky and Kevin Mitchell to the Giants in the mid-’80s. He went on to have a long broadcasting career with the Padres and is good friends with Kruk and Kuip. This makes him a Good Giant, even if his stats, uh don’t.
Ulysses Grant was the winning general in the Civil War, and while his Cabinet was marred by corruption, he himself is generally thought to have stayed above it. He was also the only President who used the full power of his office to enforce Reconstruction.
RP: Ace Adams
Adams was a reliever in the ‘40s for the Giants, and for a couple years, he was a damn good one too, pitching 140 innings in 1943 and making the All-Star team. But overuse, his age (he was in his 30s at the time, which he didn’t let on), and the fact that the save wouldn’t be a statistic for another 15 years meant that when the Mexican League came calling, they offered a lot more money than the Giants, he went south and never looked back.
John Adams was a lawyer and statesman who was the first Vice President and second President of the United States. He was the first to live in the White House and the first to not own slaves. His son, John Quincy Adams, was the sixth President, but there weren’t two interesting Adamses in Giants history, so Ace Adams gets to represent them both.
Brian Wilson is black ops.
Woodrow Wilson was the 28th President, and presided over the country during World War 1. He was also extremely racist, even for his time, re-segregating the federal government and openly supporting the KKK. Then he had a stroke while in office and his wife was secretly the President for like a year. History is fun!
Monty Kennedy was a starter in his early years, but not a very effective one. Because of his service in World War 2, he didn’t get the minor league time that he should have, and never developed his command enough to become an elite starter. But he did have a few effective years as a reliever for the New York Giants, and hey, let’s get another reliever on this team.
John F Kennedy proved that no one, for any reason, should ever go to Dallas.
PH: George Wilson
“Hey!” you might be saying. “We already had a Wilson!” So we did. But this is George Washington Wilson, and if you think I’m passing up a George Washington…I don’t know. I’m not. I’m not doing that.
George Washington was a slave owner from Virginia whose many well organized retreats helped America win the Revolutionary War. Late in the war, he put down an anti-Congress revolt by his men by looking old. He became President and received significant acclaim for deciding to not be President anymore after two terms.
Oh, I kid George Washington. He also did many things that are impressive when described simply, like having a birthday that’s now a holiday. Happy birthday, George!