The Cardinals are absolutely winning the NL Central this year

DON'T LET THEM FOOL YOU

At the end of the day on May 6, the St Louis Cardinals were 10-24, enduring an 8-game losing streak. The baseball world was happy. The Cardinals — the goddamn Cardinals — were finally learning some humility. You always have to hear about how their front office is full of good baseball people, and all the fans really know their ball, and the players play the game the right way and shit. It’s arrogance and elitism and, worse, it’s annoying. It’s so fucking annoying, but they keep winning, so you can’t really say anything about it that doesn’t sound like sour grapes.

Then they weren’t winning! Ha ha! Suck on that, assholes! The chickens are coming home and then they’re roosting, and you don’t want them roosting at home! That’s the worst roosting place! I don’t know why, but it is! And guess who’s roosting there right now? Chickens! Take that!

Since May 6, the Cardinals have gone 12-5 and made up four games in a very weak NL Central. They are currently fifth in the National League in run differential, beating out every non-Braves NL East team, as well as the Brewers, Padres, and Giants. Paul Goldschmidt is still playing at an MVP level. Nolan Gorman is currently the best hitter in the league. Paul DeJong, Lars Nootbar, and Tommy Edman are all excellent. They are fourth in the majors in runs scored.

Did you think that you could write the Cardinals off? You can’t. You can’t ever. Devil magic is more than an early-mid 2010s fad. Devil magic is a way of life.

So why have the Cardinals been so bad this year? Because their rotation has been awful. But why has their rotation been awful? The explanation is simple: This is a psyop. They are lulling the league into a false sense of security in order to strike harder once we’re all unaware. It’s working too. Could a team as seemingly incompetent as the 2023 Cardinals take 3 out of 4 from the mighty Dodgers, outscoring them 32-23 over the series? No, they absolutely could not.

Unless they’ve been lying. You know, like liars.

Over the offseason, Yadier Molina retired, and while he was not the best catcher of his generation (his generation included one Gerald “Buster” Posey, it turns out), he was a crucial piece of the Cardinals organization both on and off the field. As much as it made the rest of the baseball world roll their eyes, Yadier was an inspirational figure for the team and their fans, and without him, something was lacking.

So how do you make up for that lack? You give everyone a story to hang onto. Enter Willson Contreras, signed as an expensive free agent to serve as the team’s new catcher. It wasn’t working in the early going, and the team announced that Contreras would be moving to the outfield for the time being. Then, the next day, they announced that he would not be playing the outfield, and instead just DHing. Eight days later, he was catching again.

To outsiders, the whole thing was a farce. You paid him to be a catcher and instead you’re moving him to the outfield? You fools! Then you abandon that idea after one day of criticism and just have him DH! You idiots have no plan! Then you get rid of that plan and just have him catch again? Then what was the point of any of this? Why do it at all?

BECAUSE IT’S THE CARDINALS WAY.

The Cardinals, who won their division last year with the 1st place and 3rd place finishers in the MVP race, needed adversity to overcome. What better than a catcher who couldn’t catch having to fix a pitching staff that can’t pitch? Their fans didn’t like that the new guy isn’t Yadier Molina? Make them like him. It’s a feel good story like Ted Lasso, except if everyone involved was Jamie’s dad.

Do you think I’m being overdramatic? That there’s no way the Cardinals planned this whole humiliating ordeal out just in order to have a better story? Wrong. This is how Cardinals legends are made. If you don’t believe me, that means the psyop is working on you.

Think about how Cardinals the story would be. Willson Contreras, redeeming himself not by hitting a big home run, but by shepherding Adam Wainwright, a 42-year-old now throwing 86 MPH, into throwing 7 innings of 2-hit ball in the NLCS. Yadier Molina being interviewed after the game and saying, “That was a great job by Willy back there.” Taylor Motter, on the postseason roster as an injury replacement, hitting a walk-off double. Another generation of St. Louis children learning to love their local embodiment of Blue Lives Matter.

The Cardinals cannot be stopped permanently. They can only be contained a generation at a time. They will roar back this summer, overtaking the surprising Pirates and the sure-to-fade Brewers. They will not go away. They will never go away. They are the St. Louis Cardinals, and we will never, ever be free from them.