After a close win on Tuesday night, the Giants are now 6-0 wearing their Creamsicle uniforms. They wore them in a 3-game sweep over the Washington Nationals, who still had Trea Turner at the time and therefore were still a real baseball team, and then beat the Dodgers, Diamondbacks, and Mets while wearing them, all by one run, with the winning run in each game coming in the late innings.
So obviously, you have to consider the possibility that the City Connect jerseys are magic.
Now sure, you could argue that the Giants have spent the entire season being the “best team in baseball” because they “win more than any other baseball team” or whatever, and so therefore several discrete wins, while statistically improbably in isolation, should not actually lead to any conclusions about whether the one thing they had in common was the direct cause.
And to those of you who might make that argument, my response is this: Shut the fuck up. Nobody asked you to bring math into this, so stop it.
So, as we have established that the City Connect uniforms are entirely responsible for the Giants winning several dramatic games that they otherwise would not have won, let’s figure out why. What about them is special? Let’s throw out some theories!
The shade of orange is throwing other teams off
Obviously, this is the first possibility. Teams are used to a certain amount of orange in Giants uniforms. When they wear uniforms like their Orange Friday ones, which have a lot of orange, it’s a different shade. Perhaps the pale orange of the City Connect jerseys is making them question basic facts, like whether these are even the San Francisco Giants at all. “No, Coach,” the players might be saying, “We game planned for the Giants, not whoever this team is. All that preparation is useless!”
The disappearing bridge is giving players anxiety
You can see the Golden Gate Bridge on the sleeve of the jersey, as it disappears into the fog, much like the actual Golden Gate Bridge does every day. But visiting players are likely not familiar with San Francisco’s weather patterns, so as they see only the tower and cable of the bridge, instead of believing the deck is shrouded in fog, they might well think it’s not there at all. That’s horrifying! What about all the people trying to drive on it? Did they all just crash their cars into the bay? If I thought that was happening, I wouldn’t be good at playing baseball either.
They think the white part at the bottom of the G means it’s super cold out
We talk about how Giants games get cold on July nights, and that’s not wrong, but 50 degrees with wind is Summer Cold, not Actual Cold. But is that…frost on the bottom of the G on the uniforms? Is it below freezing? We need jackets! Coats! Parkas! How are we supposed to play sports when even logos are freezing in place? And how can the Giants do it night after night? Are they supermen? Immune to cold? What is their secret???
They’re too intimidated by the uniforms embodying the hidden treasure that is San Francisco
YOU: Is San Francisco really a hidden treasure? Also, how do the uniforms embody that? How can any piece of clothing embody the state of being a hidden treasure? Furthermore-
ME:
I believe that should answer all your questions.
Anyway, imagine being suddenly confronted with a uniform that not only embodies a city, but that city’s quality of being a hidden treasure. That’s a lot to take in while playing sports. It could get distracting, especially in crucial, late-game situations when you need your focus the most. The Giants, meanwhile, are used to the burden of representing abstract concepts. They might well thrive on it. That confers a huge advantage for them in pressure situations, which they’ve taken advantage of.
Perhaps we’ll never know exactly why the uniforms work their magic. All we can do is speculate. But at this point it is absolutely certain that the City Connect jerseys are the sole reason the Giants have been successful when playing home games on Tuesdays since the All-Star Break. We cannot be certain how these clothes have improved our lives. We just know that they have.