What would Scott Boras say about the other Giants free agents?
The most important newsletter I will ever write in my life
Yesterday, at his Look At All Your Potential Free Agent Signings conference, Scott Boras unleashed an all-timer of a Scott Boras quote about Kris Bryant:
He’s kind of the Sean Connery of baseball. He has positional versatility which makes him untouchable. He has Bond like abilities to create a great middle of the lineup. He’s always red hot in the hunt for October. He’s an extraordinary gentleman and in a league of his own.
Boras is well known for his over-the-top quotes selling his clients — in advance of Barry Zito’s large contract with the Giants, Boras labeled him “Zicasso” for his ability to paint the strike zone — but this is a whole new level of commitment to the bit. It’s cheesy. It’s ridiculous. It is absolutely meaningless. It draws attention to itself while saying absolutely nothing about Kris Bryant. It’s impressive, in a way.
In another, more accurate, way, it’s terrible, but who’s paying attention to that?
But why limit this to Kris Bryant? Doesn’t every Giant free agent deserve his own weird-ass Scott Boras hagiography? I say they all do. So I wrote one for nine more Giants free agents, because they are all beautiful and unique snowflakes who deserve to be treated like they’re special. Even Tyler Chatwood.
Kevin Gausman
“They call him Gauze, and that’s a perfect name for Kevin Gausman. Like a gauze pad, Kevin will clean things up for you and get you healthy. Has your team lost 4 in a row? Just apply Gauze on the mound for 7 innings, and you’ll be back on your feet in no time. Do you need to hold the opposing lineup down for a couple more innings because the bullpen is spent? Gauze will do the trick. And maybe it’s a tight playoff game, and in an emergency you need a starter to come out of the bullpen and stop the bleeding. Who do you turn to? That’s right: Gauze.”
Anthony DeSclafani
“It’s a-me, Anthony! I bring-a the flavor of Italia to your team. You can rely on me like-a the pasta in your cupboard, and every shutout I throw is like the freshly ground Parmesan on top. If you put me in your rotation, I’ll start a pitching Renaissance. Every down on their luck team is looking for a little risorgimento, and like Trajan, I’m ready to start a-conquering all my competitors!”
Johnny Cueto
“Johnny Cueto’s nickname is El Jucho, and like Johnny Cueto himself, you can’t put into words just what that means. It refers to a person who doesn’t miss things, with an eye for detail, and if you have an eye for detail you’ll know that Johnny is perfect for your team. He’s a mentor, a leader, and El Jucho. He’ll pick apart the other team’s weaknesses, and you’ll never be able to explain exactly how he does it. He is both mysterious and open, an All-Star paradox of a pitcher.”
Alex Wood
“When you’ve got a chance to get a guy like this in the palm of your hand, you’ve got to take it. He’s as sturdy as an oak, and any team that doesn’t sign him will pine for a pitcher exactly like Alex Wood. He’ll absolutely spruce up any rotation, and yew will regret it if you let this player slip through your fingers. You can go anywhere in the world, even to Cyprus, and you’ll know that this guy will help your team. Even a dog would know it. When you see Alex Wood, you see durability.”
(off blank looks on that last one)
“Cedar. It was cedar.”
Tony Watson
“He’s Watson. He’s smart. He’s cerebral. He’s a supercomputer who can beat you at Jeopardy while hitting 94 on the gun from the left side. He’ll out-think you, outpitch you, and beat you without even a hint of emotion. But he also knows his role. He’s not the main character here. He’s not Sherlock Holmes. He’s Dr. Watson, just there to help get the job done.”
Tyler Chatwood
“You know how I see Tyler Chatwood? He’s cookie dough. He’s not finished baking. He’s not finished becoming whoever the heck he’s gonna turn out to be. He made it through his time with the Angels, and the Rockies, and the Cubs, the Blue Jays, the Giants, and one day he’ll turn around and realize he’s ready. He’s cookies. And then, if you want to enjoy warm, delicious, cookie Tyler, then that’s fine. That’ll be then. When you give him a two year deal with a player option for year 3.”
Scott Kazmir
“Last year, Scott Kazmir went out and earned an Olympic silver medal, because he loves his country. You know what other patriot owns a silver medal? That’s right: Michelle Kwan. Scott and Michelle have a lot in common. They both burst onto the scene at a young age, Scott making his major league debut for Tampa Bay when he was just 20, and Michelle winning her silver in Nagano at 17. They both struggled through injury, with Scott going on the DL multiple times early in his career, and Michelle skating through a fractured toe to take the 1998 US Championship from Tara Lipinski. And they both kept competing long past anyone’s expectations, with Scott still active at 37 and Michelle winning Nationals at 24. If you want the Michelle Kwan of baseball, and who doesn’t, look no further than Scott Kazmir.”
Brandon Belt
“If there’s one guy I’d compare Brandon Belt to, it’s Jorge Luis Borges. Belt’s absurd, postmodern wit recalls Pierre Menard, Author of the Quixote, and his quest to reach 30 home runs in a season, a possibility which some call science fiction, reminds one of Tlön, Uqbar, Orbis Tertius. His very existence on the Giants has been an ode to The Circular Ruins, and his quest to show he can be healthy for a full season and punish those who doubt him can only be compared to Emma Zunz. Most importantly, like Borges, there is a private Belt and a public Belt, and this tension is the source of their greatest art. For Borges, it is the story ‘Borges and I,’ while for Belt, it’s the commercial where he dressed up like a badass giraffe in a motorcycle jacket.”
Donovan Solano
“People call him Donnie Barrels, and no nickname could be more apt. They say that Julius Caesar hurled barrels of burning tar into towns to start fires, but also that the Romans would use barrels to make pontoon bridges. Donovan can do both of those things. When he’s at bat, he’ll set your defense on fire with line shots the other way or backbreaking late inning homers, and when he’s in the field, he’ll cross any bridge, make any play, even if it’s on the other side of the Bosphorus. He made the majors before he was ready, but aged like a fine wine or a whisky, and now he’s ready for any team with a sophisticated enough palate to appreciate him.”