If you are not aware of the website Cameo, it is a site on which you can purchase custom-made videos from famous people. Maybe you want George Wendt to say he’d have a beer with you, or Shaggy 2 Dope to reiterate that magnets are cool. I mean, I can’t promise they’d say those things, but I can guess.
But also on Cameo are athletes. Specifically, baseball athletes. Among these are plenty of Giants and ex-Giants, all of whom will happily say sentences to you for money. So here, I have compiled every Giants-related name I recognized as a comprehensive guide to Giants on Cameo, and then I gave them a number, rating how cool it would be to have a video from them. If you think my numbers are wrong, send this link to a bunch of your friends and have them look at it, and then listen to whichever of them agrees that I’m right.
Some side notes: Apologies to Ronald Guzman, Dontrelle Willis, Jason Grilli, and Slade Heathcott, but we’re just looking for players or coaches who were on the major league team, not just guys who were in the organization at one point. And non-apologies to Larry Krueger and (to a lesser extent) McCovey Cove Dave, but we’re keeping it on the field.
No
AJ Pierzynski - $100. 1.0
Don’t buy a video from AJ Pierzynski, unless you want to make him talk about Michael Barrett punching him in the face. Actually, that would be kinda funny. I had him at a 0, but I’m changing his rating to a 1, just in case you do this.
I’d add a point for asking him to talk about kneeing Stan Conte in the groin, but he’ll just deny it, so that’s no fun.
Triple no, absolutely not, go buy one from Pierzynski like eight times before you do this
Aubrey Huff - $100. 0.0
I’m not linking it. He sucks. We’re all aware of this.
Low Giantsness
Mike Stanton - $50. 5.5
David Aardsma - $15. 3.5
Keith Foulke - $50. 5.5
Austin Jackson - $20. 4.0
David Huff - $20. 2.5
Yangervis Solarte - $25. 2.0
Technically I could have included Foulke down the list a bit in the section titled “Dealt in a Good Trade,” or in the section titled “Would have been nice for the Giants to have him when he was good,” but he was barely on the major league roster, so he goes here. Stanton did a nice job for that doomed 2006 team, stepping in as the closer at the end of the year, Aardsma was a top relief prospect who got dealt for LaTroy Hawkins in 2004, Jackson was a free agent who fell on his face and god traded within a few months in 2018, and Huff and Solarte were fliers who just didn’t work out. None of them were around for very long, and while all of them were in the majors for at least a few years, none spent more than half a season with the Giants.
Would have been nice for the Giants to have him when he was good
Dan Otero - $40. 4.5
Rajai Davis - $25. 7.5
Rajai David has got to be the best deal on this list. The man hit a game-tying homer in the bottom of the eighth in Game 7 of the 2016 World Series! Off of Aroldis Chapman! Name one cooler guy who you could get to talk to you for $25. You can’t! I don’t know how much he would have to say about his time with the Giants — I vaguely remember him not being super happy with the franchise when they traded him, but that could be wrong — but still, Rajai Davis: cool as hell.
I liked Dan Otero. He didn’t pitch in that many games with the Giants, but it seemed like every time he did, he ran into some bad luck. It’s nice he got to have success in Oakland and Cleveland.
Free agents who didn’t work out
Mark Melancon - $60. 4.0
Edgardo Alfonzo - $60. 2.5
It was probably not a great sign that Mark Melancon blew his first save opportunity with the Giants in 2017. It was also probably not a great sign when, a few months later, some complaints surfaced that he had been responsible for some ghastly changes to the bullpen’s stretching routine. And while he had a good season in 2018, he had lost his closer role to Will Smith, so it was pretty much a given that he would be traded if he had a nice 2019, which he did. While Melancon’s tenure with the Giants didn’t produce any impressive results, he wasn’t nearly as bad as his reputation suggests, and also trading him netted the team Tristan Beck, so hey, I’ll take it.
Edgardo Alfonzo was also a San Francisco Giants free agent signing, and I don’t have a long counterfactual for his reputation, because he was very bad.
Felt like there was a good player there, but it didn’t happen
Jay Jackson - $50. 5.0
Tyler Beede - $99. 4.0
Jay Jackson was mostly pretty good in 2021, but when he wasn’t, Giants fans DM’d racism at him, which, hey, I’ll it, that was bad. But he seems to have a good personality, and certainly had an excellent year for the Blue Jays last season, so give him a shot. Maybe don’t bring up the racism though. You know what? You probably weren’t going to do that. I’m sorry I implied you might. That was thoughtless of me.
Remember when Tyler Beede rapped? You should buy a Cameo where he raps, and then send it to me, because I’ll probably think it’s funny.
Dealt in a Good Trade
Charlie Culberson - $59. 5.0
Mark Grant - $100. 6.0
Charles Hayes - $129. 4.0
The Giants got Marco Scutaro for Culberson and they got Kevin Mitchell, Craig Lefferts, and Dave Fravecky in the package where they sent out Mark Grant, among other players. Culberson seems like a decent enough person, from the zero research I’ve put in (no facts, only vibes), while Grant, a former teammate of Kruk and Kuip, is one of their favorites and now a Padres broadcaster. He seems like he’d be entertaining and personable, so he’s probably a good deal, as long as you don’t want a ton of Giants content.
Boy, Charlie Hayes was a tough one to categorize. He had a legitimately nice year in 1998, with his 107 OPS+ the second highest mark of his career. But he was awful in 1999, which kinda undid all that good work. But we’re putting him here because of his first stint with the Giants, which ended in him being traded to the Phillies for Steve Bedrosian. Bedrosian did well in 1989, and won the Willie Mac Award in 1990. Probably not a good buy for a Giants fan at $129, though.
It’s not that he was actually bad with the Giants, but boy was there a lot of hype to wade through
Kevin Pillar - $150. 4.5
Bengie Molina - $35. 6.0
Pillar was a really nice player for the year he was with the Giants. He played a good center field, he hit for some power, and he was respected enough in the clubhouse to win the Willie Mac Award. The two knocks on him are his low OBP and that time he used an anti-gay slur in 2017. Uh, not necessarily in that order. There was an article a year later about how Pillar was trying to be better, but then a few years after that, he gave a quote that was kinda All Lives Matterish, but then there were some other quotes that made it look a little less bad…anyway, $150 is a lot here.
Molina got a lot of grief from Giants fans for hitting cleanup despite a perpetually low OBP, but the man was money in RBI situations. Big money, in fact.
Anyway, he seemed like a pretty good guy. Maybe a little sensitive about being a slow runner, but a pretty good guy.
I don’t know what to say about Gabe Kapler
Gabe Kapler - $225. 7.0
So, cards on the table: a couple years ago, I got a Gabe Kapler Cameo for my mom’s wife for Christmas, and she was ecstatic. He was in Barcelona at the time, he did a good job with it, delivered on time, and was as Gabe Kapler as you can get within a 2-minute time constraint in which he wanted to say as much pre-filled out personal information as possible so the recipient liked the video.
Anyway, if you have $225 and want a video from Gabe Kapler, do it. Why not? Maybe he’ll use 35 words where 5 will do, as a fun throwback.
Did a nice job
Evan Longoria - $175. 7.5
Candido Maldonado - $55. 5.5
Reggie Sanders - $75. 6.5
Royce Clayton - $45. 6.5
Longoria is honestly a pretty nice get for Cameo. A former Rookie of the Year, multiple-time All-Star, a Good Giant…solid pick. Maldonado, of course, is best known for a certain drop in a certain game in a certain NLCS, but he had two really solid years with the Giants leading up to that, and had a good, long career, winning two World Series rings along the way (Did you know he was on the ‘92 Blue Jays? I did not).
Reggie Sanders was a Giant for one year, and hit 23 homers with a 107 OPS+ as he helped the team reach the 2002 World Series. Whatever happened after that is a mystery lost to time, of course, but what a run. Royce Clayton was cool and good at defense, and had a nice, long career of his own.
Currently around
Donovan Walton - $20. 3.0
Alyssa Nakken - $135. 10.0
I try not to be mean to Donovan Walton, but if someone asks me about him, I do feel honor-bound to admit that in the majors in 2022, he was the worst baseball player I’d ever seen. Just comically, astonishingly bad in every way. But for just $20, that makes him a steal! It’s not impossible that he’s back in the majors this year. That probably wouldn’t be a great sign for the rest of the team, but it would be nice for him, and also you, if you buy a video from him.
And who’s gonna snub Alyssa Nakken right now? She’s the first female uniformed coach in major league history, and she just had a baby. Am I going to look that baby in the eyes and say, “Sorry, but I rated your mom a 9.5 on whether people should want to buy a Cameo from her?” Absolutely not. I’m not a monster. 10. 10!
Also, fun fact: I originally had Michael Cuddyer in this section before I remembered that he and Michael Conforto are different people. Whoops!
Giants legends
JT Snow - $100. 9.5
Michael Morse - $30. 9.0
Kenny Lofton - $120. 8.5
Dave Righetti - $75. 9.0
For Giants fans who are Of A Certain Age (mine, specifically), JT Snow is as iconic as it gets. He came over from the Angels in a trade in 1997, had a great year, and then settled into having mostly good years until 2004, when he had another great one. He played a fantastic first base, was very handsome, and was absolutely a fan favorite for as long as he wore orange and black. When Peter Magowan established the Giants Wall of Fame, he made the enshrinement criteria 9 years instead of 10, solely so Snow would be eligible.
Morse hit what is undoubtedly the most iconic Giants home run to ever be overshadowed by another home run in the same game. As a pinch hitter, he tied 2014 NLCS Game 5 against Pat Neshek in the 8th inning before Travis Ishikawa won it in the 9th, but we’re here to talk about Morse’s homer, which was a magical, incredible moment that showed you everything great about being a baseball fan. It just didn’t literally win the pennant, because that happened a little later.
Anyway, Michael Morse was a big, cool dude, and Hunter Strickland can go kick rocks for instigating the fight that got him concussed and ended his career.
Kenny Lofton was only a Giant for like three months, but he ruled and if you don’t smile when you think about Jon Miller saying, “The Cardinals are dead!” then I don’t understand what you like about anything.
Finally, Dave Righetti was the pitching coach for the three World Series teams, and a pitcher on the team for three years (teammates with Royce Clayton, in fact). His guidance and leadership were key for guys like Tim Lincecum, Matt Cain, and Madison Bumgarner to develop into stars, and without him, maybe there isn’t as much magic inside and the team never takes the final leap. We’ll never know. Fortunately, we’ll never have to. He accomplished a ton as a coach, and belongs in the annals of Forever Giants.
And now, thanks to the magic of the Internet, you can pay literally any of these people to pretend to be your friend in a 1-2 minute video. What a time we live in!
I would give all my money and worldly possessions for a Hunter Pence Cameo. Heck I would pay just to watch him on Geico commercial.