It was just a few short weeks ago that I was sure the Cardinals were going to come roaring back. They would turn it around, both stunning and annoying the baseball world as they thundered into the playoffs and lost in the NLCS. But what an inspiring story it would be! What a season their fans would enjoy! Another season that would be talked about for generations to come in St. Louis.
Nope!
The Cardinals are awful this year, and they’re not winning a thing.
If there'd been any doubt from other corners of the baseball world, there certainly isn't now that the Giants finished their 3-game sweep in St Louis yesterday. Not only did the Cardinals lose 3 games, they did it in ways that showed why they're not competitors this year. The first game was a tight, back-and-forth contest where St. Louis just couldn't quite pull it out; the second was a lopsided Giants blowout; the third was a game in which the Cardinals scored early, then stopped scoring after the third, which left the door open for Mike Yastrzemski to dramatically tie the game in the 9th before the Giants had a 3-run 10th to win it.
My theory a few weeks ago was that the poor pitching was a psyop, an entirely reasonable idea, and that the point was to open the door for Wilson Contreras to save the Cardinals’ season, thus allowing the fanbase to embrace him after the retirement of their beloved Yadier Molina. You can see the airtight logic that allows this theory to hold together so well. It’s brilliant in its simplicity.
I guess the only problem with it was that all of the pitchers were actually bad, and Wilson Contreras is also actually bad, and the Cardinals are very bad, and sometimes you do have to admit it’s a possibility that an infinitely loving God does exist, despite the existence of atrocities like the Bataan Death March and Max Muncy.
The Cardinals, you see, have been incredibly annoying for this entire century. They’ve only had one losing season since the year 2000. Before people talked about the Giants’ Even Year Bullshit, they talked about Cardinals Devil Magic, best exemplified by the 2011 World Series, when they were down to their final strike multiple times in Game 6, ended up winning the game in extra innings, then won Game 7 to take the Series from a much better Rangers team. Then in 2013, Pete Kozma and Daniel Descalso led them back to the World Series, despite the fact that Pete Kozma and Daniel Descalso were very bad at Major League Baseball. And the whole time, Cardinals fans acted like they were better than the rest of us, and the media just fed into it.
Best Fans In Baseball! They never boo! They all know lots about baseball! They’re not like other fans! They’re better! What a dream to play in front of those fans!
What a load of shit. Do you think Cardinals fans don’t feel shame? Do you think they will their team to victory through the power of their Midwestern wholesomeness? Do you think they’re perfect? Because they’re just like other fans. For example, here’s a picture of some Cardinals fans from yesterday’s game with bags over their heads.
That’s a funny thing to do, but every bad team’s fanbase will do that. They’re not special. They deserve this as much as every other fanbase, which is to say: regularly, so that they don’t get so goddamn full of themselves.
Watching the Cardinals lose is like watching the Yankees lose, or like watching the Lakers or Celtics lose, or like watching a stadium chanting “SEC” get hit by a meteor. They’re the franchise always held up like they’re better than you, so of course you want them to be laid low. They should be. It happens to the rest of us, so why not them too?
Back in 2012, when the Cardinals had a 3-1 lead over the Giants in the NLCS which they would then blow in delightful fashion, the SB Nation blog for the Cardinals wrote an article called No Apologies, Never Surrender, a useful archetype for this attitude. Here’s them talking about that year’s Giants team:
It's too bad that Buster Posey has no one on his team to help him out. Too bad that poor baby Madison Bumgarner's lil arm is so twired. Too bad that Angel Pagan has no one left to salute. Too bad that they'll have to make that long trip back to San Francisco knowing that there's nothing left for them. Why? Because the Cardinals. The St. Louis Cardinals decided they were going to win this year and there's nothing you can do about it.
God, it’s so fucking satisfying that the Giants beat the shit out of the Cardinals over the next three games and took the series. SORRY YOU DIDN’T HAVE AN ANSWER FOR BARRY ZITO, FUCKOS.
The Cardinals deserve this. Cardinals fans deserve this. It’s not that they deserve to suffer. It’s that they deserve to feel normal. This is normal. Not for the Cardinals, they might be saying, and they’re wrong. They’re so incredibly wrong, and it’s delightful. The Cardinals are dead. The Cardinals are dead and it’s time to dance on their graves.
Shoot it into my veins and let me float away. There’s no greater regular season high than this.
Yep. The Cardinals are a (very distant) second in teams I like seeing lose.
"Watching the Cardinals lose is like watching the Yankees lose, or like watching the Lakers or Celtics lose, or like watching a stadium chanting “SEC” get hit by a meteor."
Now THAT'S pithy! :O)